Once she was deemed by the hospital/doctor to "need to go to a facility" that last month, she couldn't handle it. I wanted to keep her here at home as long as possible. But just before Thanksgiving 2015, she had a blood-loss event (from her digestive tract--TMI) and needed a transfusion. The home health people said she should go to a "respite care" rehab for a week. When that week was up, I arrived to find that she was being "thrown out" of the place and I was told that they thought she had pneumonia and I should take her to the emergency room. What?
From the emergency room she was checked into the big hospital and kept for a week. The doctor said he would only release her to a rehab and he thought she should stay there. Thanksgiving was coming up and he said he'd release her the day before . . . but when I got there, he said he could not do that in good conscience because her white blood cell count had soared suddenly. The day after Thanksgiving the hospital called me to tell me she was being sent by ambulance to the last-choice place that I had put on the list. This was around 6 PM. She was hysterical, but they just didn't pay attention this time and took her on over there.
From this point, she spiraled downhill fast. She could no longer stand on her own and they had put her into a wheelchair, which she said she liked because she didn't have to work as hard. They strapped her into the chair (I had never signed for such a thing and I know it was unlawful, but they meant well because she'd forget she couldn't stand up and she'd fall on her head, regularly) and wheeled her to the nurses' station central area where she could be watched more easily. For a while they allowed her to sleep in the front room next to the Christmas tree, but she fell off that sofa twice and they started putting her in her room again, with an extra mattress on the floor for when she pushed the rails down and fell out of bed. They stopped bothering to dress her and kept her in the hospital gowns she'd been wearing when transferred from the hospital that night. I couldn't get anyone to help me dress or feed her, even there.
You are saying, "They should be sued!" but there really is no way to do that. There is no way to "prove" anything, and really no point. I'm just saying . . . I tried to get her out of there, but by this time the wheels were turning and she couldn't swallow liquids unless they were a certain thickness and she would grab madly for whichever arm she could reach and beg for help, *and* I was told by my husband that I could not bring her back to HIS house, for the sake of his sanity (and he's the breadwinner except when I sell a book, HA), so I was stuck. I still hoped to win the lottery or sell a book to the movies so that I could get her back home with full-time care, but that never happened.
Part of the reason she felt so panicky was that she no longer had a home. The people in the facilities are either resigned to their fates or are scheming all the time on how to be taken home. There IS no such thing as a pleasant place with fun activities.
I used to believe, "Life at all costs!" That someone even in an iron lung or in a coma would rather LIVE and have the chance of a sudden miraculous healing. That they were happier being kept alive. Now I see what a fool I was. A good quality of life at all costs. Let them stay home, even if you're afraid they'll die in the house. So what? It's better than dying in a facility. No, REALLY. You are thinking of yourself, and not of them. I know, because that used to be me, "life at any cost."
What I want to say with all this is that . . . if your parent(s) seem to be failing and you think they should "go to a facility," think again. If they have home health and perhaps a family member to check on them once a day, and some way to know they are put to bed and taking their meds, LEAVE THEM AT HOME. They might fall. SO?? You could get them one of those LifeAlert necklaces. There are ways to get them fed, and there are services that'll send someone to do light housekeeping and make a meal to put in the fridge, and many things if you have the cash to do it (or insurance.) But if they do fall down and die at home at this point . . . it is a blessing. They went and left US, but they were in their own home looking out at their own birdbath and with their cats at their feet. They might have been struggling to cope with the Meals on Wheels or whatever help they had, but trust me, they were better off at home.
You notice (from reading the news) that the kids who have trouble in school are often the ones without a secure home. They've been shuttled from home to home, their parent(s) lose the house and they have to follow wherever the parent can lead, the parents flake completely out and leave the kids to their own devices. Without that security, kids cannot do well.
It's the same with elderly parents. If they do not feel secure, they're twice as bad to take care of. At least I know that MY mother believed (accurately or not) that if she could get ME to come take care of whatever it was, it would be done right. She knew I would keep her safe. She wanted to stay here at home with me because she knew nothing really bad could happen, that I would keep things rolling and keep everyone fed and bathed. She didn't really want the attendants (home health) to touch her, because she wanted ME to do EVERYTHING, but I made her let them dress and change her and help me to whatever extent they would (because I simply could not do it all). Once she was put into that final rehab, it finished her off because she realized (even though I told her otherwise) that she was stuck there from then on unless I came into a large windfall or became President. (I would do a better job than anyone we have on tap, but whatever.)
I want to be clear about this. She could no longer walk. I could no longer lift her by myself. When she fell, it took me PLUS my husband OR a nurse/attendant to get her back up and into the bed or chair. This house was built in 1967 and the doorways are not wide enough for a wheelchair, and I was already broke, so I couldn't have the doorways widened. (The hallways aren't really wide enough, either, but I could have kept her in the other end of the house, where her bedroom already was in the former gameroom suite.) But I could not get her in and out of the van. She couldn't or wouldn't remember what you said a moment ago about how you were coming RIGHT BACK from the OTHER END OF THE SAME HOUSE and could not remember not to try to stand up on her own. I was already overdrawn and overextended and could not hire nurses or help. Had I been able to take care of her at home for that last month, I would have.
Want to see the diff between when *I* took care of her and when *they* took care of her? With a staff of several nurses and many attendants, and people overseeing everything constantly, she would stand up and fall down on her forehead all the time. She never did that here at home. She would fall on her bottom and I would hear it and come running. It never hurt her that much--just a few dings on her arms and legs. But at the facility, they were constantly sending for the mobile X-ray unit to check for concussions. I think they ignored several concussions because they figured it didn't matter too much, as she was already messed up. You have to know that they're overwhelmed and underpaid, and most of the attendants don't even speak English very well, but I felt that the last bunch really cared . . . just wasn't able to do right by her. And I was not allowed to, there at the end.
When *I* took care of her:
"It just broke! I wasn't anywhere near it! Honest."
When THEY took care of her: (WARNING. BRUISES SHOWING.)
"Help! Get me out of here!"
They wrapped her arms because she had so many cuts and bruises and they didn't want anyone (ME) to see. It kept her from bleeding on their furnishings.
But anyway. She's safe now. She's with the ones she loved the best and in the best place. I have to accept that and move on to try to rebuild my own life. Remember, guys, we are not promised tomorrow. Those who died last night had plans for this morning, and those who died this morning had appointments for the afternoon. As Willie Nelson has said, "All we have is right now." So let's not waste a moment of it.
Tell me how I can help you (spiritually or mentally) and let me know what to pray for. That's what I'm here for.
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